So you’ve tried everything from being sticky, sweet, and kind to yelling back at a toxic person in your life. Nothing seems to work at keeping them away or stopping their horrible behaviors. Well, in today’s episode, we’re going to talk about my second favorite technique to use against the toxic and narcissistic abusers called the Grey Rock Method. My first favorite is No Contact . We talked about that in episode four. If you wanna refer back to that one, if you haven’t already, and for this episode, trust me, you’re going to want to save it and go back to it again and again.
- Episode 2 (about gaslighting and more):https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/ep-2-5-signs-of-toxic-people-and-how-to-get-rid/id1662241353?i=1000592070178
- Episode 5 (Grey Rock Method): https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/ep-5-how-to-handle-narcissistic-abusers-the-grey-rock/id1662241353?i=1000594909977
The Grey Rock Method : How to Handle Narcissistic Abusers and Recover as a Professional Woman
So I can say from experience, this is the second most successful tool I used against a narcissist in my life. I will not say it was easy, especially at first, but whoa, the results were amazing and continue to be amazing. So, you know, my favorite tool is called Run the F Away Fast. But if you cannot go no contact, if you have shared custody, maybe it’s your boss and you need the job desperately, uh, maybe you have adult children that you can’t let go of elderly parents, this one is for you. So what is the Gray Rock method? It is exactly that. A gray rock is boring, right? It blends in with everything. It’s just kind of there. Nothing can be as boring as a gray rock. The result is being ignored. So you are engaging in no or very minimal response to the toxic person.
Speaker 1: (02:45)
Not explaining yourself, not defending yourself, not arguing, just, just not, not taking the bait. And you become boring to them. Eventually, I say eventually and no longer a source of narcissistic supply, right? They always need that supply. And over time when you do this, they are not getting what they literally need from you. They want to argue, they want to have conflict with you. So in a normal relationship, it is normal for you to engage. Let’s say you’re in conflict, it’s normal to engage question to pry even to defend your point of view. All of that is very normal when you’re having discussions, maybe arguments and anything like that in normal relationship. But when you do that with a narcissist, you will feel the wrath. Do you know the wrath? I think we’re all familiar with the wrath of a narcissist. So all of the things we talked about in the past episodes will come up.
Speaker 1: (03:42)
The gas lighting, you know, all the, the hoovering, all of those things will come up after you have had conflict with them and they feel out of control. Okay? So this gray rock doesn’t come from defeat though, but power, and that’s what I love about it. It doesn’t come from this just, gosh, I’m so just, ugh, I just can’t do this anymore. I’m wrecked, I’m tired, which you probably will be, but take your power back and decide I am going to be a grey rock and get that power back. It’s intentional. You’re not going to play their game anymore. You are choosing to not play. So to avoid being treated poorly over and over and over, you are choosing peace for yourself. When you become uninterested in playing the game, therefore you become uninteresting to them and won’t give them the supply they seek, that’s when it gets good.
Speaker 1: (04:41)
It can take time to get there. At first, they typically will get angry. That will be the response. They feel like they’re being ignored or they’re not getting what they often seek, right? They’re not getting that emotional response from you. They’re not getting these long drawn out fights that they crave. You are basically cutting the oxygen off to a fire. So they may threaten you, they may bait you more, come at you harder, et cetera. Keep gray rocking. And that’s the hardest part is the beginning. Because they will come harder, they will come louder. But the key here is eventually they will give up and find a new source or try to find a new source. And this can take time but is obviously very worth it. So be strong. This part is very important to hold on to those boundaries. Acting like the gray rock and just really, really being very strong and grounded in this.
Speaker 1: (05:40)
Okay? When you first gray rock, they will feel you have moved on and they’ll feel out of control because keep in mind they’re always seeking control of you or they are trying to check if they still have control. Always those two things, okay? So when they feel like they do not have control or, or they are losing control of their victim, they get very, very insecure and you have to not care about their reactions. They’re gonna have loud reactions. Uh, they will do the gaslighting. They will say things like, oh, you’re too good for me now. All of those things, okay? They will dismiss you, be condescending, they’ll try whatever they need to. They’re desperate. You have to be strong again, you may start to even feel guilt that they are actually finally uncomfortable and they seem outta control. And they may cry, they may put on the tears, they might be kind of out of their minds.
Speaker 1: (06:30)
And you might as an empath, as uh, someone with a big heart who they usually prey on. I’m assuming you may have a couple of those traits. You may feel guilty or bad. This is where it’s hard. This is where you have to be very, very strong. So do not appease them. Keep on the track to avoid the drama and keep your peace. Protect your peace, protect your peace. When you stick to it, you will see them start to lose interest. Slowly. It takes some time and they will back away. Even though this is good, if you’ve been with them especially for years, or they’re part of your family, parts of you will feel uncomfortable and possibly seek that need for you to be interesting to them, right? Cuz you’ve always craved their approval or whatever. Even if it’s a toxic relationship, there’s often a codependency or this desire to impress them or for them to need you to feel special.
Speaker 1: (07:27)
Okay? So this can shake that up and be confusing. You want validation, but find validation and love from the healthier people in your lives or open up space for new people that will treat you well. I promise they will come. You do not need this abusive person’s validation. I repeat, you do not need this abusive person’s validation. Once you find this strength and hold on tight, they will discard you. They will be able to separate from you for a while. That leads us too . Our next thing, will they come back around? Usually at some point, yes. But I have hope for you. It isn’t usually as hard for you to be as strong cuz you know you’ve done it and you ha you’re kind of prepared this time also, they will more quickly leave you if you stick to gray rocking. It tends to be a shock to their system the first time.
Speaker 1: (08:23)
The second time they know you may be capable, right? So don’t let them back in. They’ll more and more know that it is not possible to break through you. They will leave more quickly, they’ll leave you alone more quickly. So gray work, gray work, work, work. That’s not what I was trying to say. grey rock works well in really a lot of situations in relationships. You had to end and leave. They can work very well. Even if you’re co-parenting. They can work very well in family situations because you can still be around them at the weddings, the parties, but not have to get sucked in. And again, I spoke to this in past episodes. You may have other family members who enable the abuser and perhaps blame you for the break of the relationship. You know, they may excuse abuse or experience themselves, so are more tolerant.
Speaker 1: (09:19)
Whatever the case, they may kind of put the blame on you. So they may be upset with you. Grey rocking that is okay, let them let them over time. They will have to get used to it. They will have to accept it, right? You are taking your power back and that’s okay. It’s actually more than okay. It’s a beautiful dang thing queen. So own it and if they have feelings about it, that’s their. If you don’t know, I have a journal, it’s on Amazon, I will link it in the show notes. It is called hashtag not my journal. And it is, it is glorious and it’s great for this stuff that we often take on as our own stuff or we worry about. That’s just not ours to worry about or carry. So if you’re interested in that, I’ll put that in the show notes.
Speaker 1: (10:02)
In a professional setting, this can work. Well. Grey Rock method works very well in a professional setting. As long as you are doing your job and being pleasant enough, right? There won’t be much ammo to go against you from a narcissist that is your boss, a coworker, whatever. But do not forget to document everything. And that’s kind of a pain. So I hope you’re looking for another job if this is the case. But in the meantime, document what you are working on. Save everything, uh, maybe multiple times. I don’t know if people have access to your computers, but make sure you track everything. Track your hours, how many hours you’re working. So there’s no dispute with that. Any conflict situations that arise with this person. Document the date, document what happened, keep those off of your office computer and keep that on your personal stuff.
Speaker 1: (10:53)
Do not write any of that in your office where they have access. Even if you don’t know it, they, if it’s their property, their computer, they can have access to it. They can see anything you write. So do not keep any information that you are tracking to go against them if anything happens on your work computer or any other device related to work. Okay? So hold on to all those documents at home just in case this person comes for you in some way. Goes to HR, says you’re not pulling your weight around the office. Whatever it is, be prepared. And like I said, please try to find a new job. If you are in a toxic environment at work, the hardest part of Gray Rock Method is controlling yourself. . It can take time. Give yourself grace. This was really, it was tough for me, the gray rock method.
Speaker 1: (11:46)
First of all, I’m emotional, I’m an emotional being and if you are gonna sass me, I’m gonna sass you back twice. I will protect myself. I will stand up for myself, especially as I’ve gotten more healed. Um, so it’s hard for me to almost, in the beginning I felt like, I feel like I’m just being walked on. Like here, this person is saying nasty things to me and I’m not biting back. That is actually strength. Showing that control is actually strength. Think about it as if they are coming at you with nastiness. Don’t stoop to their level. You’re not like that. That’s not your nature. That is not who you are or who you wanna be. Be the gray rock because the goal here is to protect your peace and your safety. That’s more important than anything. Okay? You can stand up for yourself in other ways than taking the bait and getting sucked into the drama.
Speaker 1: (12:39)
So basically we’re gonna turn our emotions into a flat line around this person. Not even be overly happy, not pretend, oh, my life is great. Sometimes we try to overcompensate. No, none of that. Even a gray rock is not happy, it’s not sad, it’s not defensive, it is just a gray rock. And that is what you have to be. And eventually I’m at a point, this comes naturally. If I go head to head with a toxic person, I am a gray rock. I, I recognize it. I’m like, Ooh, alert, okay. Hmm, I don’t wanna engage in this. And it’s kind of like an automatic shutoff and I love it. So trust me, it’s worth it. It takes time to get there. But give yourself grace and be patient with yourself. And if you slip, that’s okay. We’re human and we’re, we’re on this journey. I’m here with you.
Speaker 1: (13:27)
Reach out if you need any help with any of this, I’m at a point. I got my power back from using this method. I finally got my power back and I want you to do the same. So I want you to just take a minute, take a breath. Remember who you are, who the hell you are. You are an amazing queen. Am I right? Can I get a whatlet? And you deserve happiness. You deserve to not have to walk on eggshells. You deserve to live a joyful life with healthy people surrounding you. And I love you. I see you. And don’t forget your smooches and deuces girl. If you are over the lack of peace, the lack of setting boundaries, not feeling confident, questioning yourself, it is time to get some coaching. This is what I do, this is my specialty, it’s what I love. And I can help you more quickly than you think. If you wanna grab a call with me, I am offering $20 off of the first call and there are only 10 spots a week and they fill up quickly. So definitely act now if you’re interested and you can find me over at Bit/ly/firstcoachingcall to set that up. I look forward to helping you go from surviving the thriving cuz you deserve to be the queen you are.