Stop Waiting for Closure: Why the Narcissist Won’t Give It (and How to Create Your Own)

Still waiting for that apology, that explanation, the moment when the narcissist finally admits they were wrong. Here is the hard truth queen. It’s probably never coming. But the even better truth, we like this one. You don’t need their closure because you can create your own. You may not feel like that right now, but I promise you can. So let’s dive in and talk about how have you finally broken free from that narcissist creepy crawly web, but still feel stuck in fear. Wish you could trust yourself again and take your life back while you’re in the right place. Queen. I’m Christie, wife, mom and narcissistic abuse recovery coach. I’ve walked the messy road, wasted money on the wrong therapist and drive ice and had a come to Jesus moment to get me here to feel free. I had to reconnect with me, set boundaries that stuck and find healing methods that actually lasted.

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Now I’ve created a plan that’s empowering, doable, and yes, even fun because I’m sparkly and fun. So of course it’s going to be fun. So if you’re ready to break cycles, reclaim your peace and trust yourself again, this podcast is for you. So steep, that chamomile tea, silence, all that crazy chaos out there. And let’s cue your royal glow up. All right, welcome back. It’s Christie. Today we are tackling one of the biggest pain points in narcissistic abuse, recovery closure. So many survivors feel stuck in this loop of waiting. Even if you are out of the relationship, waiting for the narciss to explain why they did what they did, waiting for an apology that actually feels like an apology or waiting for some acknowledgement that you mattered, that you were valuable to them. And I’m here to tell you closure for narcissist is a myth. Why? Well narcissists operate from this place of ego, not accountability. And this is very important. Pause this and write this down if you can. If you’re driving, save this episode and come back to this and write it down because I really think this next statement is very important.

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They rewrite history to protect their false self, not to give you peace. They rewrite history to protect who? Them and their false self. They’re not caring about your peace. So closure, it’s not about you. They don’t care to that level to help you get closure. Why can’t they give closure? Let’s break it down to the nitty gritty. Narcissists don’t take true responsibility. I think most of us know that, but that’s just a fact, right? Admitting fault is like death to their ego and they thrive on their ego. Their ego is their identity. So they are not about to go be vulnerable in any way and shine any sort of light on them being responsible or at fault for anything. They often will blame shift gaslight or even flip the script. So you are the bad guy. I mean, how often We are very familiar with the bad guy, right?

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The bad guy. Flip if you have been with a narcissist and whatever, if it’s a sibling, if it’s a parent, if it’s a romantic partner, if it’s a friend, you have been flipped to be the bad guy and they may give fake closure like an apology we talked about recently in the recent episodes on apology. Or they might give a fake explanation, but why do they do it? Usually just as bait to pull you back in. They know their lip service will get you back. So even when you think if I just explain one more time or if I just wait until they calm down, no, you’re asking someone to give what they cannot or will not give.

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So how do you create your own closure? This is the important part. I know the other part’s kind of hard sometimes to digest and to really let that sink in and act accordingly. But this part is really important for your healing. The good news is you don’t need them. You have the power to create your own closure without them starting today. Tao, what was that from? Do you remember that Tao? Oh no. Message me on Facebook or Instagram, if you remember what that’s from. It’s like one of those, do you have those little folders that pop open in your brain and you’re like, I know that. I know that. Where did it come from? And you can’t really put your finger on exactly what and then you just shove it back in and continue. Okay, that was my a DD squirrel brain. We’re back though.

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Alright, so here is how, and if you forgot, because I went off on that tangent. We’re talking about how to create your own closure. First name, the truth, not their story. There is a huge difference between the truth and a narcissist truth. Write down what you know happened, not what they claim, not their excuses, not their blame. You want an example? Okay, they lied to me repeatedly. I felt discarded, devalued. You don’t need them to agree with your reality, your truth. Your truth is valid. Okay? You know the truth. They lied. They gaslit you. They flipped every damn argument to make you look like the bad guy. Okay? So write it down. Name the truth, your truth, the real truth. Two, grieve what you wished for. This is helpful. So closure is not just about understanding what happened, it’s also about letting go. This is huge.

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Guys of the, and I’m bolding this in my brain right now. The fantasy of what you wanted, letting go of the fantasy of what you wanted or who you thought they could be or would become, or you could change them. It’s a fantasy, right? Grieve the version of the relationship you hoped for, not the one you had. Not just the one you had, right? Okay. Number three, ritualize your closure. Do something symbolic. Make it fun to mark your release. You can write them a letter you’ll never send and then burn that baby up. Don’t set anything on fire though. I mean, burn without fire. Can you do that? I don’t want to be responsible for anyone’s fire. Tear it up. Let’s tear it up instead. Okay? Tear it up. If you’re going to burn a fire anyway, throw it in there, tear it up, flush it in the toilet, or visualize cutting that energetic cord.

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I will put my cord cutting episodes in the description box of the podcast. They are fabulous. I am biased as hell, but they are okay. It really works. Wonders and speak aloud. Do your affirmations, baby, I release you. I release this story. I reclaim my peace. These rituals, signal to your mind and body that you are done waiting. You’re getting intentional here, right? Number four, focus on forward energy. So closure isn’t just about ending, right? It is ending. And we want to end that chapter. Please pretty please the cherry on top. But it’s about redirecting your energy. Ask what am I creating now? Is it self-love? Is it stronger boundaries? My favorite word, is it a new chapter just for you. You might not be able to even really picture that yet, depending where you are in your journey. But imagine that you could have a new chapter just for you, baby, all pink and glittery.

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So don’t let the narcissist be the author of your final chapter. They already had control of that freaking pen and that pisses me off. But it’s got you to where you are. You’re here. We’re not going to live in the past. We’re not going to boohoo the rest of our lives about the past. We’re going to straighten our crown, shining up and continue writing. You grab the pen, you have the pen, and you are writing the next page, right? Sorry, I got a little passionate there. I get a little worked up. Alright, so I know how painful it is to sit in this psych aching of unfinished conversations, but their silence, their refusal, their avoidance, none of that should stop you from healing. So today I want you to decide or invite you to decide. Of course I want it, but you got to want it too. I invite you to decide to close the chapter yourself. Not because they gave you what you deserved not happening, but because you deserve to be free. Say it with me. I want you to repeat that. Repeat after me class. I deserve to be free. Yes, I love it. I am very proud of you for doing this brave work. I love you. I see you and you are not alone in this. Okay? If you love this episode, if it spoke to you, share it with another sister queen who needs to hear it. Alright? Until next time, keep shining clean.