Did the Narcissist Really Love You? Here’s How to Know for Sure

Have you finally broken free from that narcissist creepy crawly web, but still feel stuck in fear. Wish you could trust yourself again and take your life back. Well, you’re in the right place, queen. I’m Christie, wife, mom and narcissistic abuse recovery coach. I’ve walked the messy road, wasted money on the wrong therapist and dry ice and had a come to Jesus moment to get me here to feel free. I had to reconnect with me, set boundaries that stuck and find healing methods that actually lasted. Now I’ve created a plan that’s empowering, doable, and yes, even fun because I’m sparkly and fun. So of course it’s going to be fun. So if you’re ready to break cycles, reclaim your peace and trust yourself again, this podcast is for you. So steep, that chamomile tea, silence, all that crazy chaos out there, and let’s cue your royal glow up.

(01:00)
Alright, Queens, welcome back to narcissistic abuse Recovery. We’re going to keep it real and raw today. Well and always. So let’s just get real here. Many of us get out of a toxic relationship and we spiral, right? It’s normal, it’s okay. Take a breath. We’ve all done it, but we’re haunted by. But did they ever really love me? And I’m going to say something hard, but I love you and I’m going to say it with truth and compassion here. They may have loved you in a way that’s different. It’s more about how you make them feel, which we can relate to in a little bit. But they’re all about the ego. So their form of love is truly about loving what they’re gaining. It’s feeding them. They loved what you gave them. The real love, that healthy type of love, that kind that sees you, values you, uplifts you.

(02:10)
That’s not what they have to offer. That’s not the love they provide, and you deserve that, right? Of course. So what real love looks like versus narc love, real love, and you might want to write this down, you might want to go back to this. Keep this in your notes. When you are entering new romantic relationships or new friendships or any type of relationship with anyone you’ll be spending time with in any form feels safe, it feels steady, it feels respectful. It feels supportive of your growth. They want to see you do well narcissists often, and it goes both ways. It’s give and take. It’s not take, take, take. So narcissistic love feels like a wild ass roller coaster, high highs, low lows, light, dark. It always ends up in the dark though. That’s the bad news. With the narcissist, it will always go back to dark.

(03:22)
It feels transactional. It can be obsessive and possessive, right? You are a property to them in a way. You are a possession of theirs. So it can feel like that where it might feel good to you in a way. Maybe you kind of like the feeling when they get jealous. It’s like, oh look, they’re showing they love me. That’s not love by the way. But we can view that in these situations as a type of them showing their love that catches. That’s not love, that’s just the control, right? And it’s centered on control, not connection. I’m going to say that part again. Their love is centered on control, not connection with you. I want that to sink in because I think that for me was something when I realized that myself was like, wow, we did not connect in the way I needed. I was always wanting more.

(04:28)
There was something missing, and that’s a big element that misses when you’re with a narcissist so they don’t fall in love with you. They become, especially in the beginning, obsessed with the supply you represent. We’re talking about that feeding you, feed them how you maybe made them feel admired, powerful. They love people who accommodate them, who compliment them all the time, who blow their egos up. So if you’re an empath, if you’ve got a huge heart, if you are expressive with your words, if you put things aside for yourself to support them always and they don’t reciprocate that, that is that uneven supply they’re getting, right? You’re essentially a mirror for their ego. So it’s not a partnership. Narcissists cannot be in a healthy true partnership. So how do they weaponize love as control narcissists say, I love you as a leash. So especially in the beginning, but also between the abuse, they will love bomb you with the attention gifts and soulmate talk, which you may misunderstand is the connection you’re actually missing.

(05:59)
But you feel like, well, they’re saying these words, but deep down you probably don’t really feel it. You’re like, well, soulmates don’t do this other stuff subconsciously. You may know that, but the soulmate, oh, you’re my soulmate, or I got no one’s ever made me feel the way you feel. You’re so special. We’ve gone through so much together. You’re the only one who can X, Y, z. Did you hear any of those? Yeah. So they will also use your loyalty against you later. They know as you get more and more loyal, which you will fall under that you have already in the past, if you’re listening to this, you may be out of the situation, but maybe some people are still in it, but we’re talking about, and you should know when you were very loyal to them, it probably progressed more and more and you felt more fear associated with if you were not loyal or you did not do exactly what they said.

(07:00)
So they do this. If you loved me, you wouldn’t go out with your girlfriends. You’d be wanting to spend time only with me. If you loved me, you would do this for me if you loved me, right? It’s this guilt trip related to loyalty. But they don’t give you loyalty back necessarily, right? Except with the possession type attachment, the codependency. So they also will punish you. That could be with the silent treatment or just withdrawal of the love bombing of the compliments of the carrots they give you. They’ll start holding those back, making you want them and desire them and just wait for them hoping they’ll come back around. When you set a boundary, when you’re like, I really even bringing up something that is not accommodating what they are doing, they can do that, right? The other one is using fake vulnerability to rope you back in.

(08:05)
And this is a tough one because sometimes we can’t tell, especially when we’re fully in it, what is real and fake. They could have crocodile tears, they can have, I’m sorry, it’s just that I had a really hard life and right? And it’s just the sob stories all the time about their constant poor behavior towards you, and they will act as if they’re being vulnerable, crying, opening up to you. Again, you might mistake this for that connection that you’re seeking, but that’s the wrong connection. That’s the guilt tripping and fake vulnerability connection. So that is not love. It’s a strategy manipulating and it’s masquerading as intimacy. So you were not loved in the way we love you were used, and it’s not your fault. And yes, it sucks. Of course, we all look back, we spent how many years of our life being used? How did I not see that?

(09:17)
We’re not going to do that here today, and we’ll have episodes of addressing that. And of course you want to get into the nitty gritty of that and get rid of that. Come work with me. I am an expert at helping you navigate this. That’s why I’m here. You want to do the real work? I get it. It is very hard where you’re at and I have been there and I have thought about what I let happen to me, and I don’t know how I didn’t get help. It’s very hard living through that, and it doesn’t seem fun to shine a light on it and get help for it. But I am telling you, I went through not just narcissistic abuse, but physical abuse I just mentioned in my group for the first time, I’m talking about my actual physical injuries. I was choked by a phone cord.

(10:15)
I was sitting there not knowing if it was going to be my last breath getting dizzy, feeling like, oh, here it goes, here I go, and I didn’t get help. Then I, all I can say is I didn’t know or didn’t want to face it. Sometimes we don’t want to face it. There’s a bunch of different reasons, but we’re not here to dwell on that part. Yes, we address it, we talk about it. I’m talking about my own situation more. It’s not comfortable. That’s probably why I haven’t talked about it in public too much. But guess what, we’re here now. And if you don’t want to lose more years of your life to this, if you want to break the cycle for your own children, if you don’t want to end up with health issues because of all of this gnawing at you in the pit of your stomach, the body and the mind are connected, and we do get sick from this stuff.

(11:18)
So if you want, and look, I get passionate, I’m not yelling at you, but if you want to actually heal, you’re going to need to go a little deeper than the podcast or the YouTube videos. They are helpful. It’s great help for understanding. If you really truly want to heal, you are going to have to take it a step further. And I love to help people. My specialty is helping people move more quickly than you think with your, and I try to keep it as fun as possible, right? I’m Christy Jade. I love a good gold crown and sparkle, so I will always put how to work with me in the show notes. It is up to you to say, I don’t want to live like this anymore. And what is your life going to look like in five years from now? You’re sad. You wasted so much time, so don’t waste any more time for you, for your kids.

(12:20)
Anyway, I got a little side tangent, passion over there, but you were used. This isn’t your fault. We know what we know when we know it. It is a reflection of them, not your worth. But there is damage done. So we do have to do the work. That part is up to us. That is our responsibility. What happened is not your fault, but healing is your responsibility. So why do we confuse love with control? So this is why it hits so hard. Many of us were raised in environments where love was conditional. Most of us who have later in life had these not so great toxic relationships. Narcissistic abuse probably ended up in that situation because there was a lack of something or an unhealthy childhood, whether that be from a parent, caregiver, sibling, whatever, where the approval had to be earned somehow, maybe you’re dismissed where there was tension, fear, and that was the norm.

(13:40)
I in my life was on high alert a lot. Looking back, I just, my God, my shoulders must’ve been up to my ears most of my childhood. So when a narcissist shows up with the chaos and the charm, some people see through that, people who have been in the situations we’ve been in, it feels like home. It feels unpredictable, which is home to us, unsafe, which is home to us. But love is not intensity. It’s not the up and the down and the, oh, we’re just a passionate family, right? I mean, I’m not going to get specific with my own family or anyone, but let’s be honest, there is a generational thing that went on before us where it was excused, passionate parenting. I feel like that’s what we should have called it. Passionate parenting. Oh, I’m going to smack you across your head. You can clear across the table, but then two minutes later, act like nothing happened and I’m kissing your forehead and we’re eating pasta and meatballs together.

(14:56)
That passionate up and down intensity. Love is not intensity. Up and down, up and down. It is consistency. And that gets boring to us when we are used to intensity. So we tend to be drawn to the people that give us intensity. That can include chaos. It doesn’t matter. It could be the really happy, upbeat, crazy people that are wild, we like them, or people that are charismatic and love bombing, and then behind closed doors are hurting you. Love is not sacrifice. Sacrificing your own wants and needs. Yes, you’re going to compromise in relationships of any kind. You should be compromising. It’s healthy. No one’s the same. You got to meet in the middle. You’re not going to sacrifice your mental health, okay? That’s what you’re not going to sacrifice. Love is safe. We’ll all have our disagreements. We’re going to have fights here and there.

(16:04)
We’re human. There’s a difference between that and a pattern of sacrifice, a pattern of chaos, a pattern of not feeling safe in your home every day. That is not love. So you were not crazy. You were conditioned. You were conditioned probably from an early age, and then it felt real nice and cozy, but it’s not nice and cozy. And I’m here on the other side to say, guess what? You do actually get rid of that desire for intensity. I have the most steady, safe, calm husband in the world. I never would’ve guessed that from where I came from, and I can’t tell you how amazing it feels, but I did a lot of work. So yes, this is for the people who are ready to do the work. So what can you ask yourself to reclaim the truth? Ask, did I feel emotionally safe in the relationship?

(17:13)
You’re probably immediately going to say no. Most of you, unless you’re still in a denial phase, which is fine. I’m here to tell you, if you’re on this podcast, you didn’t feel safe. Okay? Number two, did I feel free to grow and be myself? Do your own things. Did you get to choose what you wanted to do, what you wanted to wear, who you wanted to be? If you said, I want to change careers, was your partner okay with that? Did you feel free? And number three was their love based on who I was or what you gave them. And that could be just feeding their ego, accommodating them or was it on who you truly were?

(18:10)
And sometimes that’s hard. You might have to navigate that for a few minutes to figure that out. But I know I walked on eggshells with my narcissist. There’s a couple in my life, but one of them walked on major eggshells to accommodate them to do what they want to do because I just did it. It was not worth the fight or wanting to do what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it because I would either get punished or, yeah, punished is basically the outcome. Okay? So you deserve real love and real love does not break you. It’s not that crumbling and putting together, and even when you crumble in a narcissistic, abusive situation, you’re usually the one that has to put yourself back together. You might get a fake, I’m sorry, that’s going to benefit them because they know how to work the abuse cycle, of course, and they might not say, sorry. A lot of people say narcissists never say sorry. They’re never accountable. If they are desperate, they will give an apology, but it’s not a true apology. It’s not authentic. You can usually tell, but they may give one. If they’re desperate, you’re almost out the door. They absolutely may say, sorry, it might be an empty apology. It might not come with any sort of substantial reasoning behind it, or I’m sorry you feel that way. I’m sorry you’re hurt. It’s bullshit, right?

(19:50)
So love is not controlling, as we’ve said here, right? It’s not confusing. Did you feel confused as hell in your relationship? The ups, the downs, the I don’t know what to do here. You deserve a love that lets you be you in your wholeness. Again, no one’s perfect. We’re going to have blips, but in general, you should be able to feel yourself and not go. Where the F did I go and it starts with you. You learning to love yourself seriously, fully, unapologetically. It’s okay and it’s hard. When you’re coming out of these situations, you’re conditioned to not put yourself first, to not love yourself, to think you’re not worthy. They shove you down so far so they can have control over you. It’s time for you look in the mirror and say, I deserve to more and I’m going to demand more. And that’s okay. Christy said so. Christie says, so. Okay, so no more wondering if they loved you.

(21:16)
You get to decide, was it love or control? We know the answer. And look at this. You’re deciding you are in control. Take that power back. Okay? I want you to just pretend there’s a big golden energy and you’re just pulling it in. This is your power, okay? You get to decide and you say, what kind of love am I choosing? Next? What will I tolerate? Safety, steadiness. Kindness, uplifting, empowering, joyful, consistent love. That’s the love you are going to get and you’re not going to settle for less. How would that feel? How would that feel in your body to have unconditional love? That was constant, consistent. You didn’t have to question it. You didn’t have to say, what did I do wrong? Or Is this my fault? Maybe it is. Or, oh, I’m crazy, I’m oversensitive, or, oh, I better not say what I’m thinking at all. No, we’re not going to live like that anymore.

(22:35)
You are going to break out of those damn eggshells, shatter them, give them back to that narcissist. They can have their eggshells back. Thank you. And you are going to rise up. You are going to find that girl inside. You’re going to find that fire that I know is in there, or you would not be here she is here, she’s inside you and she’s waiting, going, yes, I’m ready. I’m ready to live my life the way it should be lived. It’s okay if you spent years doing something different, it brought you here. Do you understand? Yes. I went through years of all sorts of shit. Okay, but where am I now? I don’t regret. I don’t get mad. Yes, it sucks. So of course I feel bad for my younger self going through all of it, but I also know it led me here and I’m going to use it.

(23:31)
I have used it to live a life that most people don’t get to live because I had to evaluate and go, what just happened? What’s happened? Oh my goodness. I need to recreate a life. A dream life, honestly. And I know right now where you are, you might not be able to think of that life. Maybe you can. I hope you can. But back when I was in the situation or soon after, I couldn’t imagine being in the life I’m in. But you have to be open enough to say, I want more. I want more for myself, and I do deserve more. I didn’t deserve that. Okay? It is the past. We are going to let you live your you 2.0. That’s what I call it, right? You 2.0 because it’s still you. She’s still in there, and that’s going to be a part of your story. And that’s okay. We are not going to grovel over all the years lost or we’re just going to lose more time. And do not give that narcissist the satisfaction of taking one more damn minute.

(24:47)
Take that power back and say, what am I going to do now? I’m going to demand only the most amazing people in my life. I’m going to spend my time doing a job I love. I’m going to find the moments in the day for me. I’m going to choose to do whatever I want. I’m going to choose what shampoo I can use. I’m going to choose what vacation I want to go on. I am going to parent how I want to parent my own children. You get to be free. You get to be free. How would that feel? Just take that in for a moment. We’re going to do Thursday. We’re going to do, woo, I’m all hot and sweaty over here. Thursday, we’re going to do thrive in five. If you’re new to me, I do every Thursday a Thrive in five. It’s five minutes or less of a little somatic healing, which is the body, right? We try to heal through the body. So we do meditation, we do breath work, we do visualizations, we can do sound healing. There’s all sorts of stuff. So we are going to do one related to this on Thursday, which is great. We’re going to actually apply this and imprint it into our bodies because all this talk is great. You might feel real motivated right now, but doing the somatic healing and ongoing work with me, that’s where the transformation happens.

(26:15)
My clients shifts are out of this world. I’ll be honest. Every call I have, pretty much, especially the ongoing clients where they’ve built up, they’ve been with me a month, two months, three months. I’ve had clients after a year. The transformation, you don’t recognize yourself. That’s what I want for you, no matter how you get it, if it’s with me or someone else, get that one-on-one accountability and someone who knows what they’re doing with yes mindset work, but also the body work, the somatic healing, because the body remembers everything. Mindset work is great, but doing the actual internal healing is going to give you those lasting results. I can’t tell you the changes within my own life when I started doing the somatic healing. So again, all that information is always in my show notes. I hope this episode helped you share it with anyone that you think might need it if they’ve been in a toxic relationship, narcissistic abuse, and I just want you to really understand the power you have within you and how you get to decide what to do with that now.

(27:42)
Right? The past is the past you have now, and moving forward, what are you going to do? What do you want your life to look like five years from now, one year from now? Let’s do one year. Five is a lot to think ahead, right? And one year from now, do you want to still be feeling like you’re feeling or do you want to have a major transformation because you owe it to yourself, your kids, you owe it to. I mean, if you’re a God person, God didn’t put us here to suffer. He gives us all these beautiful things around us, these beautiful experiences, these beautiful tools in our little tool, tool bag. Tool bag. I was trying to say like backpack and bag at the same time.

(28:37)
We owe it to this life, to our higher self, whatever you want to call it. I owe it to God in my mind to not be lazy with my mental health, my growth. We are not stuck. You are not stuck. I’ve heard a lot of people saying, I’m stuck. I remember saying, I’m stuck. I’m here to tell you, you’re only as stuck as you let yourself be. Yes, give yourself grace. But I’m here. You’re here for a reason. So let me help grab your hand and guide you, whatever. You’re already here. This is great. Give yourself a pat on the back for what you’ve done so far. Just listening is a great start, but you want a real transformation. Let’s freaking go. Alright, I will see you in the next episode. Like I said, Thursday, thrive in five. We are going to do some body healing, good stuff.

(29:36)
And if you want to true transformation, you do have to do the work. You got to do the deeper work. So are you ready to do that? I’m ready for you. I’m ready, queen. Because everybody deserves to feel peace. Can you imagine feeling peace internally no matter what the hell’s going on outside of you, you got peace and then you got freedom on top of it. You don’t have the old stories in your head. You don’t have the low self-esteem anymore. You don’t have the decision fatigue. You don’t have the, am I crazy? Was that real or not real? You don’t have all the questions all the time. It’s exhausting. Get out of your head. Let’s transform. Okay? Alright, go look at my signup link and I will see you on Thursday.